Jeux de Mente...

And so here we are again, back to this. Like devious children starved for attention, we play and we poke at each other’s emotional strings and settle back momentarily to watch the show, only to get up again shortly after the first curtain closes to bring on an encore. We toy because we can. We are insensitive because we in turn feel ourselves to be too sensitive and seek to distance ourselves from this perception, perceived by self and others.

Do you feel good after it is all said and done? Do you feel empowered by the sight of the other’s apparent weakness? Do I in turn do the same? Does he?

Of course, we can never ask these questions of each other. Words like tact and loyalty make it inappropriate. We only let it build momentum, keeping a tight lid on what needs to be said.

What is ultimately achieved here? There are a few backs, methinks, that have been sporting a bit more metal lately.

Wicked, wicked ego…

I Remember December

All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else. – Buddha

As much as I am a champion for the “everything happens for a reason” mindset, there have been times I’ve questioned it like a defiant child questions the existence of their parents’ god(s). Sometimes a breach of “faith” can be caused by something as simple as taking out the trash in the morning and meeting a homeless man going through what’s already there. Other times it can be the result of a nasty clash with a relative or friend that, at the time, seems to eclipse all previous efforts in that relationship. The period of inevitable reflection, naturally, produces varying results, ranging from a short-fused rant of questions in a rarely coherent mix that usually takes on the form of a blog post discarded at the last minute to a full-blown questioning of one’s ideological structure. Once, and only once, has it caused the structure to completely collapse down to the very foundation. However, what was built in its place, though not quite fully finished, is ultimately stronger and more carefully planned out than what was there before.

And while there are doubts to be had and questions to be answered, on the other side of the coin, there are times in life that leave you breathless, leave you speechless, leave you with something that can only be described as a life affirming experience. It is for those moments that we all strive for, for those moments we get up each day and face what we know will be a constant struggle between our multiple selves and the selves of others. It is for those moments that we construct relationships with those around us, in hopes of somehow experiencing that elusive, simple, all-encompassing joy. There is never any guarantee, but still we push and still we strive, because in some small part of the back of our mind, we believe in the balance, the yin-yang, the rules of cause and effect.

I know it is at the core of my being, this mindset. Despite all my constant back and forth and oftentimes defiance at anything and everything that presumes to know more about me than I do, I will always believe.

I know that Action A brought it to Point B, bringing you to point C, leaving me at point D going for E, you thinking about F and so on. I don’t know what I did that spurred this sudden act of kindness, whether it is presumptuous to say it was anything of mine at all, whether I deserve or caused it indirectly. I just know that while I can’t even begin to thank you, I am eternally grateful for the kindness you have shown and continue to show me. You are so many answers to so many questions, so many affirmations and so many emotions. You give and you give and you love and I am overwhelmed with and surrounded by you.

I love you.